Vulnerable, no longer a single girl things.

Remember this post on vulnerable, single girl things?  It’s time to follow up…and share some more vulnerable things. 

One thing I wrote about was being vulnerable.  About how I hated it.  And for so long I’d protected myself from vulnerability by building walls that were difficult for anyone to get past.  The past eight months have been an exercise in letting someone past those walls.  And while at times it has certainly led to hurt feelings and ultra-sensitivity and that scary, out of control feeling, I believe I am a better person for it.   

It all started with a boy.  Wait, let’s back up.  It all started with the ultimate in vulnerability, online dating.  If you are a single girl, you know exactly what I am talking about.  Ugh.  I have dabbled with online dating throughout the years.  With some success…but obviously, not long term success.

Enter a boy.  We disagree on who sent who the first message.  I’ve since deleted my account so I can’t confirm that I am right (lol), but a message was sent.  A phone call was made.  A date set.   He was not at all like anyone I had ever talked to.  I was looking for uncomplicated “wonder bread”.  He is the farthest thing from it.  He’s distinguished and handsome, dark-eyed, incredibly intelligent, has a brutally cute accent, and has completely turned my life upside down.

It’s been a rocky road.  There have been disagreements, misunderstandings, hurt feelings and even flat-out break-ups.  But so much more often there has been love.  It’s strong and I’m sometimes overwhelmed by it.   I feel special, and beautiful and treasured.   It’s been scary at times…because in order to experience all of that…I have to be vulnerable.  That thing I hate.  Opening the door to vulnerability makes me more susceptible to heartbreak and hurt.  But opening the door to vulnerability also makes me capable of accepting love, and giving it in return.  Of believing the words “you are beautiful” and “you are special”.    It also allows me to give love in a way I’ve never been capable of before.

The holidays are typically very difficult for me.  It’s complicated, of course, but in the past three weeks I’ve interacted with more family and dealt with more emotional things than I have in several years.  Successfully.  I might even dare to say, I came out of it feeling peaceful and loved and thankful and capable of loving back.  That vulnerability that scared me so much has also made me softer.  More understanding and capable of dealing with issues I’ve long buried behind thick concrete walls.  Of course, it helped immensely that that boy was standing with me the entire time.  Supportive and calm (for the most part J).  But ultimately, I’ve been kicking the walls down and it’s a marvelous thing.

I’m going to keep working at lowering those walls.  It’s worth it.

And thank you, Sergio, for being there through it all.

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