Thankful

It’s that time of year.  It’s a time full of family, expectations, love, laughter and moments that will be remembered for a lifetime.  For some it’s also a time full of sadness, despair, loneliness, hurt and suffering.   

For me personally, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve are bittersweet.  I want so desperately to be free enough to enjoy the smithereens out of the moment.  To create new memories and traditions, to not have unrealistic expectations, to not yearn for something different, to not be disappointed.  I find myself once again in that place.  Having to remind myself that there is so much good in my world.  There is happiness and joy and fun.  Yet somehow there is a shadow that lurks in the corner.  I’ve always blamed it on being single.  Last year, though, I was with someone I loved.  And the struggle was so much less.  I was happy and content, even though there were times when our relationship was rocky.  This year, I feel vulnerable and weak as I struggle with heartbreak, and every day I fight to keep the darkness in its little box.   

I spent the holiday and weekend with some of my best friends.  We laughed, ate, drank and sat in contented silence together.  It was perfect in so many ways.  But still, in the wee hours of the morning, the sadness crept in.

I know I am not alone in this.  I am not unique.  And even as I write this I can’t help but remind myself that life is still good.  But life is also about honesty.  So, here’s my story, written and published in the hope that if someone else is in the same situation, they know they are not alone.  And it is okay. 

Even in that place, I’m so incredibly thankful. 

• Thankful for friends and family who listen and hold my hand
• For laughter that makes my sides hurt and my eyes water
• For delicious food that brings delight and temporary comfort
• For peace, even in the midst of turmoil
• For stability, when for so many years stability didn’t exist
• For security, held in my own hands and not someone else’s
• For tiniest bit of hope in the future, even when I can’t even imagine what that future holds
• For the memory of who I am, even if I’ve strayed
• For rejuvenation and a plan of action

 It’s all there.  It’s a beautiful world and I’m going to keep reminding myself of it every single day.